Actually, Being In The Broom Closet Ain't So Bad [REPOST]
19/2/2024
When Saturn moved into Pisces back in November/December of last year, my general health and routine went to all hell. Saturn has always been a looming presence in my life, he really makes me work for what I want in life. When he moved into opposition with my Mars sign, that was when things really amped up.
This ain't my first rodeo, though, so I've been able to take it all in stride. My world has changed dramatically since I last was posting regularly. That's the one thing that remains ever constant, I suppose! You can always count on things to change and you can always count on change to come when you've finally settled into a comfortable routine.
That's been a huge part of what Saturn has taught me over the years. You have to really work for stability and the nice things that your want in life. You can't just have everything you want when you want it if you want to grow. You need strife, you need discomfort, you need change, and you need to be okay with making mistakes.
I've recently come face to face with one glaring mistake that I made long ago, when I first started my journey with witchcraft and the occult. This little tiny mistake has had the biggest, most rippling effect on my whole life. It hasn't exactly hurt anything, per say, but if I could have the chance to fix any mistake of my past, I think this would be one.
What is that mistake you ask?
I should have never come out of the broom closet!
What does that mean? The broom closet? For the uninitiated, if you are secretive about your involvement in the occult and witchcraft you are considered by the community to be "in the broom closet". It's tongue and cheek.
When I was a wee youth, a tiny witchling, haven taken up the mantle of the Craft at the tender age of 12, I remember being faced with a choice- do I practice in secret? Or do I post everything I do on Facebook, tell everyone I meet, and argue with strangers about theology every chance I get?
Being so young, I didn't really grasp the enormity of this choice. It seemed so trivial to me and I never imagined myself being anything less than IN YOUR FACE LOUD AND PROUD about who I am and what I believe in.
I decided I was going to be a famous witch! Or something! A C.G. Jung of the modern age! I was going to do big things! Practice medicine with the use of astrology and crystals! I was going to revolutionize the world and legitimize my beliefs. I was going to write books, I was going to dispel misconceptions, I was going to change the world!
Yeeeaaah..... Looking back, that's really fucking stupid. I give myself grace, I was a kid. I barely understood what it meant to be a witch, let alone the gargantuan nature of my lofty goals. I also didn't understand just how deep ignorance runs, how strong the apathy is. I didn't realize that the majority of people don't see what I see, and even if they can see it, they actively do not want to see it.
I spent my entire time, up until this past year, holding that belief. I clung to this idea that by being so open to everyone who would listen I was changing minds, changing the world. I gripped this story with white knuckles and spoon fed myself this belief every day. I continued to chase after people, almost begging for them to listen, to believe, to see what I see. I wanted them to see so badly, yet the more I talked the less people saw.
Exactly one year ago, the realization that I might be going about things wrongly began to worm its way into my brain. The thought scared me at first. Being open and proudly out of the broom closet had been so tightly intertwined with my own belief system that it was hard for me to imagine having a practice without telling the world. The doubt grew louder as my friends became more distant. The more I opened up about my authentic, pagan self the less people around me seemed to respect or care for me. People stopped wanting to visit my house, they stopped wanting to hang out, until eventually I found myself alone again.
I do not blame myself for the disintegration of my friend group. There were many factors that contributed. My motto on such matters is 'rejection is protection'. These people that I speak of were not interested in meeting me halfway in order to maintain a healthy relationship, they were not willing to communicate, and they were not willing to be authentic to themselves. In my opinion, I am better off without such friends and I do not think I did anything inherently wrong by trying to share my self with them. They are missing out on me.
However, I did learn quite a lot about myself. Namely, I realized that I was chasing validation- not just in this scenario but in all areas of my life. I was now coming faced to face with the realization that I never actually wanted to legitimize anything or change the world with magick or whatever else crunchy woo woo bull shit I told myself. I wanted to:
A. Be told I was cool and special
B. Wanted to silence people who did not agree with me
Fucking yikes! Bit of a tough pill to swallow, ya know? It was kind of embarrassing reckoning with it because suddenly those intentions were so blatantly obvious in every single thing I'd ever done, said, or written on the matter. Even in my previous blog posts on this very website, I saw my real desires popping out between the lines. I could tell that I wasn't carrying myself as a proud magician for myself it was all an act for other people.
So now, after really taking my time to process this realization, I've got a good idea of how I wish to continue. I'm going back in the broom closet, but I'm leaving the door a bit cracked! I'm hiding in plain sight- after all, it's a little too late to go all the way back in. Fourteen years too late! I think I'm far too witchy to ever pretend to be a Cowen entirely, and that's okay. I still want to write in this blog because there is some validity in being open, I think. This blog, like myself, exists hidden in plain sight on my website. I have lazily hidden it so at first glance, people will not find it. That way, the vast majority of people who live their lives not wanting to see the divine can do the same with my blog; glance over it, intentionally ignore it, sweep it under the rug and pretend it doesn't exist. Those who want to find me, will find me. It's so much better this way.
So what is the moral here? The big conclusive meaning to this tale? The pretty ribbon to tie the package together? Well I think it relates back to my last big post regarding the Magicians Maxim and Spiritual Discernment rather nicely.
If you don't know what you're talking about, don't open your fucking mouth! You'll look like an idiot!
If you do know what you're talking about, don't open your fucking mouth unless it benefits you! Idiots don't deserve your time and energy!
If you're not sure what you're talking about, don't open your fucking mouth! People will use your insecurities against you!
If you need people to validate you for your 'weird' hobbies, grow a fucking back bone! I won't sugar coat it! If you need other people to validate you, you're cutting yourself off at the knees!
Finally, I leave you with this, if you are like me and can't trust yourself to keep your yap shut, I highly suggest pursuing an Anthropology degree. Suddenly you can talk about occultism openly because it's a contextual buffer for people. In their minds, it goes from "AHHH SCARY! BURN THE WITCH!" to "Wow what a quirky and intellectual person who is passionate about their degree". Just a suggestion!
See you in the next one, dear reader.
